Tomorrow I phone the library. It should be open now after staff absence and weird opening hours.
Thursday I accompany my pal to the hospital for a scan (health issues not baby)
Friday I see ... a shrink

I wonder what she'll say. I've pretty much confirmed, after a quick chat with Flicky on MSN, that I need CBT. Warped thinking. Or is it?

Aw man, I really can't wait for 'my' holiday. Yes, I know I'll have to but I still don't wanna

Water bomb chaos here today. Phone calls from neighbours (appreciated cos I couldn't move to see what was going on) saying the lads (5 of them) were being rather naughty. When they realised the call was about them ... they all sat down on the couch!!!!!! haha! They immediately offered to apologise to the neighbours and did so, but it took 4 or 5 more 'tellings off' for them to bugger off somewhere else and be noisy

My garden was flooded (again) and they all looked like wee drowned rats

The neighbour who called has become a friend. He's about 50ish, is an author and gives talks and tells stories at schools. His first contact with Mini was to tell him off. Mini doesn't respond well to being lectured and being labelled in a clump. The guy started talking to him in a more considered way and ... bingo ... the lad respects him now

He's gone to his pal's for a sleepover, which kinda helps since my back's like this. Standing there making my tea was a flippin nightmare so I'm glad I didn't have to do his too.

Early night tonight I think

Ok ... I have to lie down.

Can't fight through this one.

Got out the bath and my back pinged again *dammit*

Gubbed some Valium, even though I have my own mother's little helpers here. The lad and his pals went to the shop and chemist for me *aw bless*

I need to lose weight and tone my stomach muscles *sigh*

Another child has arrived and they're going swimming *woohoo*

Damn ... they're playing with water balloons and there's five children now HELP!

I should lie down but I rebel against my body and shove painkillers in my gob so I can do what I normally do

I won't get too excited though.

Experience tells me that's when the rug gets pulled.

*late night worries*

M'ok really. I'll forget this by morning, I hope

Let me know if you're getting logged-out using IE cos I've no idea and I hate using IE

Still having to sign in every so often. Sometimes when I've written a comment on someone else's blog, sometimes when I click on a private post notification and sometimes just when I refresh a page.

It's not a big hassle cos it stores what I've written. Even when I write a post, click 'save' and it gives me some kinda error message. I click the return arrow and the post is still there, so I 'C & P' it and sign-in. No biggie.

*shrug*

In other news - I now know the flight time for Mini going to Ireland and the airport. Mini's pal phoned earlier with a few details. The dad hasn't phoned my ex yet to give info and my ex is still in Estonia. Blokes, eh!

Mini is in my bed now cos "Donnie Darko scared me" ... I wouldn't mind but he watched 'Constantine' with his pal the other week and was fine!

I'll miss him, but have some bluddy amazing plans of my own for that week and I just can't don't wanna wait

6 *boing*

Finally watched that film I was always missing. Dunno if I enjoyed it. Might have to go to a workshop to tell you if it was any good.

It was odd ... hard to follow ... and made my brain jump around violently. The music was ace (from my teenage years) but too loud - I could barely hear what the cast were saying. Mibbe that's what made it so confusing.

Ok, so it was a boy who's head had a lot going on inside. He was cute and a bit emo (not Emo Phillips) He was schizophrenic or his tablets where making him hallucinate or time-travel is possible or mibbe all three.

One thing I do know - it made me feel inadequate an airhead who has no clue *gah*

Mini watched it with me, we both cringed at the first scene ... "What's an arsefuck?"

Ah well £3 at Cash Converters or wherever it was. Mibbe I'll enjoy it more without the boy watching it beside me *snigger*

clicky

Can you see birthday bear?

(click on the picture)

© ajnspencer

Bluddy mozzies

Why do I taste sooooooo good?

*surfing for a mozzie net*

I eventually talked my 12 yr old into going for sweets ... how many mums have to do that, eh?

Half a bag of Haribo Starmix and half a bag of Tangfastic later and my head may explode.

I don't even like Haribo, I like trusted sweets that have been around for ages, are crap mind you, but familiarly crap, y'know?

Oh I s'pose the tangy cherry things are nice *begrudged*

linky

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

Go over here to see the man.

He's been blogging every half hour since yesterday at 2pm. He won't stop till 2pm today. It's to raise money for the Just4Amy charity ... just4amy.com

wiki description here

Go go go go go go go

I know what it is ...

... when I get happy I don't feel I deserve it, and I think I must be taking away from someone else more deserving. Which means it's not rightfully mine therefore it'll be taken back.

Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense - I often don't

I know think everyone deserves some happiness, well in fact - does anyone actually deserve anything? Now that's another topic

I was gonna disable comments but I won't. You have to promise though, that you won't tell me how deserving I am

ok?

I'm sick of questioning myself about why I post upset stuff, so

no flowers, please

Gawd, you know what it's like ...

We were gonna go to the park for a picnic but I took bluddy ages to get ready so we decided to have an early tea in the garden.

Mini came to the shops with me (I've now been assured that I must be doing summat right cos boys don't do shopping) and helped choose our munchies carried one of the bags too!

Fajitas for me and (rejected) tuna pre-packed sarnies for him. He made the mistake of eating some houmous first ... you can't eat plastic sarnies once you've tasted houmous.

Crisps, chocolate, olives (stuffed with feta) stuffed vine leaves ... all washed down with cranberry juice (his favourite)

*thumb twiddling*

shall we go in now?

*woooooosh*

it hit me like a ton of bricks ... overwhelming sadness, heart-break, insecurity, re-writing recent history ... in short - the wobbles

"You can go on the PC if ya like"

*dash up stairs, don't let him see tears*

Why? Why has this happened?

Well, it appears that I've been too happy. I've not used up this month's quota of tears. My body's not used to this - it panics.

I've spent months searching for any perceived reason to not be happy, I'm now digging back about 18 months looking for scraps of evidence that my happiness must be based on falsehood *sheesh*

Bluddy saboteur

All's better now anyway That was a close one!

*the word for title is borrowed from Helly*

Bots or madness on blog code?

I spilt tea on my keyboard last night

On the bit where the ?/ is and the :;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

it's driving me bonkers so have to take it to bits and clean it *grrr*

I may be some time

I'm furious at Mini. Seething. But I daren't show it

If I rage at him he won't tell me things in future, admit to things.

There has to be a consequence, but I can't think of one right now. Too angry.

Holding it in and asking what he thinks he could do in the future to avoid these sorts of situations.

I know there's a lot of bravado involved in growing up. You only get something temporary from it He was feeling guilty so couldn't get to sleep.

It always happens when there's a group of them hanging around. There were four of them today. Mini and 3 others. They sat in my house playing Xbox after they'd been in trouble and never said a word. Little sh*ts (Mini included)

I need to have words with them all. Fuck.

Bring back Tom Swifty ... immediately

I miss all that. You got me and my church buddy mailing each other with nutty sentences

linky

When Mini was more mini he was terrified of the tortoise from Creature Comforts. If there was a particular room we wanted him to stop going into, we'd place this in the doorway Not the GIF file ... the cuddly toy

There's no point to this post I just wanted to tell you that lol

9

*phew* that's that done

Swapped Amy Winehouse CD for Travis and am listening now ... I'll let ya know.

Bought 4 (relatively) cheap tee shirts for Mini. His clothes are starting to look a bit old and unkempt lol these were about £3 or £4 each. Had to be done. Fortunately he likes them. Got him swimming goggles and a disposable camera. This is all stuff I thought he'd need for Ireland. I know his wee pal is a bit better off than him and sometimes he feels the strain. He doesn't complain but I know what it feels like to be the 'poor cousin' kinda thing

Had a panini at Starbux ... I felt ok about it cos I'd bought Mini's stuff. I don't know how to explain that one but it made sense at the time lol

... cos I might forget later ...

What's the betting that someone gets shot in that protest about British Airways?

Yes, the climate change is a big worry but I think you've picked a very risky place to protest.

The news worries me, I really shouldn't listen

I thought I had no worries, so I slept well

Mibbe I bounce back too easily now?

Tablets?

... making me too relaxed/complacent?

Aw buttocks ... that means I'll have to be more alert for crapness

Sunniness with a few clouds. Mini has vanished with small people, shall I go to Asda?

There's a new Starbucks near there so I can swap the CD that Mini got me for my birthday (Back To Black - I've already got it) and go for a quick cuppa. Naah. I thought of that yesterday but that was when Mini was here. I can't afford it but it's ok if it's a treat for him.

P isn't around this week, she's gone 'somewhere' (see how perceptive I am) so our usual jaunt into town is cancelled ... I don't mind too much cos I'm still catching up with bills.

Her best mate sent me a postcard today saying happy birthday, which is quite sweet ...

*waves to A. M.*

Will be thinking of friends aching hearts today, the ones who have spoken it and the one who hasn't. I just wanted you to know that someone noticed *hug*

See you all later. I'm going for a bath lol

.... oh and I'll phone you inna minute

I've been hearing someone's heart breaking, can anyone else?

When Mini sees my bear sitting all alone by himself he brings him through to me

We've even had an official introduction of him to his teddies and to Zenian. It's making me giggle a bit cos I used to line my teddies and dolls up when I was wee (yes I once was wee) and talk to them. I think I have a photie somewhere - I'll have to look it out.

When I'm cooking I take the bear to him and hand it over to be looked after

OMG I'm totally losing it

I can re-do the first 3 exams of my ECDL therefore making them within the time limit of 3 years along with the last 4 I did.

Module 1 - 6th February 2002
Module 2 - 6th February 2002
Module 3 - 28th February 2002

Great big gap involving grieving

Module 4 - 3rd November 2004
Module 5 - 2nd December 2004
Module 6 - 21st January 2005
Module 7 - 10th February 2005

So I have till 3rd Nov this year

I wasn't gonna bother, that's why I left it so long. Ah feck it, I work well under pressure

The Central Library where I did the LearnDirect course before, is shut till 2008 This is a large University town. They shoved the info, books etc, from that library into 3 different wee libraries in Camb.

The one nearest me is open for 3 days per week, for 4 hours normally. Right now it will be shut till 27th (meaning next Tuesday 31st actually because of their weird opening hours) and the whole of the LearnDirect website will be down for maintenance till 31st too.

It's never straight forward lol

My lad's going to Ireland, 2nd week in August. His wee mate's dad lives there and the 2 of them will be spending eight days there.

I'm sure I'll find something wonderful to keep myself occupied with.

He's better travelled than I am lol. He's flown to Scotland, Gran Canaria, India and now Ireland

I'm pleased he's getting to see all different cultures and people. Sure beats a day in Ayr

That's one week of his holidays catered for anyway. I have to think of (cheap) things for me & him to do when he's here. Too often I'm skint and clueless to think up fun things for us. We get on well but I don't think he wants to hang out with me at the park for instance lol

He goes places with his dad at times ...

... I wonder if I'm being unfair about the Stonehenge/Estonia thing? He's with his dad nearly every weekend, and he had 2 weeks in India with him at christmas. True ... I didn't really have much say about that. My preference woulda been a week with me and a week with his dad. Six weeks summer holidays is stressful and expensive on our own ... even though he'd be at his dad's for weekends. My ex is entitled to some child-free holiday time too. That kinda stopped me being too ranty in that other post.

Daft bitch just walked past and shouted something at me.

The curtains are shut but the window's open. She knows I'm at the computer.

Oh well, window shut, leave fan on. *sigh*

Good week last week
Good week last week
Good week last week
Good week last week
Good week last week
Good week last week
Good week last week
Good week last week

*phew* she nearly got me there

Annoyed. Ex had a week in Estonia, shooting, a few months ago. Fine, but ... he's had this week off and took his niece to Stonehenge yesterday for a school project but didn't mention it to Mini. Plenty room in the car for him ... he bought a fuckin Freelander! He goes to Estonia today with his niece (she lives there) where he'll be having a few days shooting and doing some stuff for his sister's family ... and he owes me money.

All this means he has no holiday left to have Mini this summer. He gets 2 weeks summer and 2 weeks winter holiday. He did that "what?" thing ... "I didn't realise!"

I guess after 2 years he's getting more used to the single life so Mini will feature a bit less in his plans. Oh well I suppose it was expecting too much for him to be who he said he is.

His family always came ahead of 'us' as a family. Mini will be completely gutted if he gets left out in favour of the sister's family. Cunt.

Can I complain? He's been really good with Mini so far. Hasn't neglected responsibility. I could psycho-analyse it but it would all get a bit too personal. Writing this down has helped me realise what's probably going on with him. Gawd, the perils of separation.

They were due on Saturday, then on Monday. The iflora place upgraded them, added a box of chocs and discounted some money for my Dad & step-mum ...

gorgeous

Off to see the Skills Coach inna bit

see you soon xxxx