Subville

Hmmmm

Dunno what to do with myself this weekend. S'pose I could do a bit of Crimbo shopping? Clean the house some more? Iron my quilt covers and face flannels? Re-pot a few plants? *sigh*

Can't think of anything else ... bwaaaahahahahahaha!

SHUT UP

In *counting fingers* feck *and toes* about 18 hours my bestest ever buddy will be here

*thawing the chicky*

*chilling the wine*

I'm going to sit on his knee ... lap ... face ... name for a while just to torment irregular readers but I'll give you a clue

Starts with A

Boss says I only need to go in for half hour tomorrow to check emails, post and phone messages. He's not well so he's dodged booking clients for the day and will have a rest to get over this damn virus that's going round.

Mini's case is sorta packed and ex will collect it and him tomorrow, take him to school and blah blah blah. He works near Mini's school so it all works out quite well

The wee yin made carrot cake at school today *proud* (and I ate a third of it)

He's in love, but sshh! ... I didn't tell you that

It's dead sweet, he would give her his last Rolo for sure and his wee face keeps going red, he leans in doorways - head tilted to the side *awwww* and chats to me about her cos he can't stop thinking about her.

I've created a padded room for when it goes tits-up, so he'll be fine

Cynical, moi? Hmm ... a cynical romantic, perhaps.

{{{mwah}}} xxx

Nicked from Purple Dragon

Use your first initial as the first letter of the answers the questions.

1. Famous Singer: Lulu
2. Four Letter Word: Lick
3. Street that you have been down: Love Street, Paisley
4. Colour that expresses your mental state: Lilac
5. Gift/Present you would like to receive: Love
6. Type of Vehicle: Landrover
7. Things In A Souvenir Shop: Lace
8. Boy Name: Luke
9. Girl Name: Liz
10. Favourite Movie Title: Life Without Dick (LOL) yes, there really is one called that.
11. Alcoholic Drink: Lady Grey with brandy in it Lambrusco (bleugh)
12. Occupation: Librarian
13. Famous Celebrity: Lisa Kudrow
14. Magazine: Loaded
15. U.K. City: Liverpool
16. U.S. City: Los Angeles
17. Fruit: Lime
18. Reason For Being Late For Work: Lost my keys
19. Something You Throw Away: Lettuce leaves, with brown bits
20. Something You Shout: Liar!

Tuesdays are ...

1) Radio Times day

2) The day my other boss comes into the office (ace, a right good gibber)

3) The day I get CBT

Today it was also the day I collected my overdue prescription for 'happy pills'

*phew!*

I'm way better than I have been for ages. This comes out when talking to CBT lady

I let her know of the things I've disregarded, the things I've acknowledged and the things I've worked out.

It was also a bit painful today talking about assaults and stuff like that so she advised that I head home with a plan for 'nice things'

Phoned the genius of love while walking home. Well, buzzed him and he rang me back as is usual *love*

Talking to him helps pretty much more than anything else

Frickin chemist shuts from 2 till 3 !!! *arg* I so wanted to 'do' stuff and go home to hide. Ah well. Got shopping, including Radio Times, went to scrumilicious cafe for take-out Feta and roast pepper ciabatta and latte mmm ... flobbed on the couch and tried to ignore the constant headache.

Felt utterly exhausted. Emotionally drained and whacked out fro the throat thing.

At the moment I've lost all my relaxation time, or most of it anyway. I miss it quite a bit. Feel like I'm doing the blue arsed fly mostly.

Weighed out the ingredients for Mini's cookery thing at school tomorrow. MMM carrot cake

Tomorrow I have 2 hours work, pack his stuff for him to go to ex's on Thursday, clean house (a bit) and a few other things here and there.

Will I clean the cooker? The windows? Or will I just lie in a big deep bath for at least 2 hours to unwind?

Or will I end here cos my brain's too mashed to decide anything and it feels right?

We've called a cease-fire.

I won't be going out for Christmas dinner with ex in-laws, but I will be having Christmas dinner with ex (and Mini, obviously).

He'll come round for dinner and give Mini his presents then go to his GF's later on.

Immediately after I said it - *worry* ...

* Will anyone think it's ok or be bothered about it? (No, don't be darft)

* Will Mini think anything of it? (I bluddy hope not, mibbe I should send a card to the GF?)

* Will I have to watch endless episodes of Top Gear/Ray Mears/shit our-family-always-watches-this-type-of film? (I have a TV card in the comp plus 2 tellies)

Thousands of folk do it every year ... getting together at highly emotional times to spend far too long with folk they don't normally get on with

It'll be fine.

Won't it?

There's always Skype.

My blogging seems to have slowed up a bit. Not sure why. Looked at the monthly archives thingy down there ---------------- *trying to point diagonally*

Loads in July. Pre-excitingness.

Not much in November. Pre-excitingness.

*shrug*

Oh yeah. It'll be the work and the coursework. D'oh!

Felt an awful moment of alone-itus earlier. Mini had just came back and I was squeezing housework into the blankness between webbery hoovering whilst he was on the PC.

It doesn't happen often these days. I've coped fairly well recently, but sometimes it just grips you, y'know? It's mum's birthday today. She was alone all her life (pretty much) and my aunt has been alone for 20 odd years since my Uncle Dan died. I can actually see myself being the same, not through deliberate choice ... fate???

Ah well.

Lots to do this week, so that should sort it

And from Thursday till Monday or Tuesday I'll be ecstatic.

You can't be happy all the time, eh? xxxxx

Anyone else discovered the joy that is Hot Pockets? (made by Maggi - a company owned by Nestle {oops})

I've just had 2 X Bacon and Eggs Hot Pockets and they're drooly scrumptious.

A quid for a box of two in Asda!!!!

I love food, me.

They did IT on Wednesday last week.

Watched 3 episodes of Men In Trees.

My pal recorded them from her sky plus thingy for me.

Ace. Very chilled.

Haven't slouched on the couch for a while.

M'off to bed now.

Sorry I missed you, hon xxx

... for the lurgy

Splitting headaches ... sore throat ... sniffles - sound familiar?

Bleugh!

Oh well, hope it's passed by next week *eep*

1. Which band would you like to see reform?
The Police or Eurythmics (Annie Lennox sounds awful without Dave Stewart).

2. What are your thoughts on the Spice Girls and Boyzone reunions?
Not nice at all. Apparently The Spice Girls charity record is the worst selling CIN record

3. What's the best British band of all time?
Led Zep, prolly.

4. Which band would you like to see split up and why?
Girls Aloud. They're just horrific.

5. Friday fill-in: If I formed a band I would call it The Doofii and I would be the tambourine player.

Day off.

Walked to Justified a taxi back from Asda for food anything shopping.

Bought bluddy loads. Haven't done that for aaaaaages. Got a game as part of a small person's Christmas pressie.

Taxi back.

*feck*

Left the damn thing in the shop I remember the guy walkie-talkie-ing for the disc to be brought over, remember paying and getting change. Then ... ?

Phoned store. No problem. Collect from Customer Services. Phoned ex (who has wheels) He said he'd do it later tonight. He turned up about half hour later (bless!) collected receipt and got the game. He phoned and agreed to bring it when he's collecting Mini.

*sudden realisation*

There were 'adult-type things' listed on the receipt

Oh crap. I'm not gonna look at him on Saturday - I swear!

It's been a nice day. Met an old friend outside the shop earlier. An ex client. Her daughter's on my Facebook. Lovely to see her again, it's been a very long time. She looks well. But - she asked after ex (she knows we've split) and said she hadn't seen him for about a year. lol x lots. He cancelled picking up Mini one Friday night cos this woman apparently needed him to do work for her!

I always find out

So happy where I'm at now

7 layer dip and doritos

huge dods of turkey
mashed patotty
honey glazed carrots
stuffing stuffing
baked yams with marshmallow topping
green bean casserole

pumpkin pie with squirty cream

elderflower fizzy stuff

After Eights

6 adults, 1 teenager, 2 toddlers and a baby

yes, the laugh appeared, several times

we left before Mini's farts got too much

I wish she wasn't going back to the states

love ya, Karen ♥

Sunny & bright here today. Still nippy though.

Still loving work Although I'm gonna have to do the S/E thing again.

*rakes through distant memories of mountains of paperwork*

I raked through the leaves today you should see the frickin amount there are! Scraped up a whole load of moss too when I did it. Boy can chuck it in wheelie as part of his chores.

Found a card behind door saying there was a robbery round here yesterday

*worry*

story in paper made me smile earlier ...

A church in Shepreth is selling a 150 yr old painting, previously hidden from public view, to pay for a toilet.

It's a copy of Raphael's The Widow's Mite.

For those of you who don't know that story ... the very pious church type folk in biblical times were scoffing at a widow and giving her a wee bit gyp for only putting a 'mite' in the church collection. Jesus commended her for her sacrifice as it was more of a sacrifice proportionately than the pious types had given.

I've always loved that.

So there you go, the widow's mite is paying for a bog

Best news of the day ... confirmation from hotel (about flippin time)

Who d'you think you are?

The Queen?

Unravelled a bit more at the CBT today.

One thing I can say, is that I'm a lot happier these days. But I'm not gonna be able to take that for granted. It's fragile, not character-deep yet. Hormones fry me and minor external circumstances. That will take a while to stabilise. Lots of work to do.

And shaking off the perfectionism. 'Princess & the Pea' Syndrome

That's how I think of it.

Except the pea is in my brain and I have been feeding it.

I think I should allow a few sentences to end with 'it', don't you?

Tolerance is little more than indifference with a Dulux coat of manners.

......

What is a cynic, but a disillusioned idealist?

......

Ian Pattison

Soz, couldn't NOT post it

Rampage, from the TEAM, has given the nod to us to vote for a name for ...

the BCUK logo.

Go HERE or HERE to make your suggestions.

It's open to all blog members

... hot chocolate is really nice.

That's all

Yay!

Ex fixed my lights on the tree! I reckon he was feeling a bit grateful that I didn't kick off when he was 4 hours late for collecting Mini!

There were about 20 lights out, right in the middle of the set. Summat to do with 'fuse bulbs' he says. *shrug* Who knew?

I'm not allowed to start decorating till Mini's back tomorrow *under strict orders*

"Can't I just put the tinsel on?"

*imagining the dog's breakfast that will be 12 yr old décor*

"NO!"

Tidied up the house a bit today. Mini's schoolwork was spread pretty much over the whole living room. It's now in a basket under the coffee table *joy*

Did some coursework too. Passed all the assessments but haven't gone through 5 sections of the work yet lol

Oh well, at least I know/remember it.

I have an urge to do skeleton crossword puzzles. Hmmm. Don't think I have any lying around. Will try to find a website tomorrow.

Nighty

Locked myself out a-bluddy-gain

Me and the boy were going for summat to eat. He's not usually here at the weekend but my ex is meeting his GF's parents today. Which meant I couldn't get him to break in for us this time lol can you imagine??!!

*ringring*

"It's my ex-wife, she's locked out, I'll have to nip back to Camb"

haha not likely

Went to the locksmiths, which is rather handily situated about 100 yards from my house. The bloke was ace, he did it for £20 instead of £75, which is the norm for Saturday morning charges. *thank you, Mr UnLockyness*

Me and the boy went to the local greasy spoon for nosh. Beans on toast and fried eggs on toast *yum*

He spent his pocket money on Ferraro Rocher chocolates *nutter*

And I bought pale blue gloves with pink stripes, cos he keeps nicking my black Thinsulate ones *meh*

He nicked my red ones too so I thought I'd go for summat far too girly this time. Why do kids keep taking stuff to school and leaving it in their lockers?

He's left about 5 pairs of gloves there, and a coat!

Still sleeping well

I managed to sleep last night

Got Boots' equivalent to Zantac so no acid reflux (yippee)

1. What is one food (or meal) you used to hate but now love?

I used to hate sprouts but, like Flicky, later discovered it was the way my Mum cooked them. Love them now.

2. If you had to give up one of your favourite foods (or meals) for good, what would it be, and why?

This Q would be good to cheat on - who wants to give up a food they love? Erm ... I'd give up pasta, cos my guts won't digest it properly.

3. Which food seems like it should be healthy and isn't, and do you eat it? Why?

That's a tricky one ... mibbe oven chips. They're supposed to be better for you than deep fried but I don't think they are somehow.

4. If you were an item of food, personified, what would you be and why?

I'd like to be a cream egg *cough* how do you eat yours? *snort*

5. You've seen tomatoes and pies used for this purpose... now think of a more inventive item of food one could throw at someone. What is it and why would throwing it at someone be hilarious?

Chelsea Buns. They've got treacle-y stuff on the bottom and sugaryness all over ... imagine the mess!

I feel quite run-down now. P noticed it this afternoon.

A week of not sleeping right, going out every day (look I know you lot have done that for years, I'm not looking for sympathy) and a cold has sprung itself on me.

Tired, tired, tired. Achey. And my laugh has broken.

I'll get used to the change of routine, that's fine. When I have the energy I'll go to the doc's and ask for antacids that work. Then I'll sleep.

Till then I have to try to squeeze the course-work into my routine and find places to put the furniture I moved for the Christmas tree to have room!

Got stuff for the wee yin to squirt up his nose cos he's got catarrh and blockedness. Shoulda got another for me *d'oh!* I'm not shoving it up my nose after he has

In other news ... I discovered a nice mixture for dinner that's yum ... even though it sounds bleugh.

Hot dog sausages (cut into bits and micro'd) brussels sprouts (boiled and cut in half) and ratatouille (mixed with those two) served over new potatoes.

It tastes nice, honest!

Also, my keyboard is being weird. I've not spilt anything on it but when I type it misses out loads of letters. I changed the batteries (it's wireless) so it's not that *meh*

Happy really. Just tired is all xxx

Woke early and can't get back to sleep again.

But it's nice sitting here with the lights twinkling behind me. I put the tree up yesterday and almost got the lights working properly. Some won't twinkle.

What is it about tree lights that makes them break when they're not being used? Trying to get replacements online is useless.

They're push-in and 12 volts ... I AM NOT GOING TO MEASURE THEM!

So anyway, most of them work and I've been told where I can get replacements not online - wooo!

Mini's excited. He loves the bit where we both put the dangly things on it lol

Today I go into town with P in the afternoon The new Robert Sayles has opened and I've not been yet, so that should be mayhem summat to check-out. Every year I buy one new thing to put on the tree so that will be today's 'task'. That's a nice task, I have to admit.

Must get water filters. Must get descaler, tea bags, cranberry juice (my kid likes it, and doesn't eat cakes - weirdo)

Hope I don't fall asleep at work, I've been awake since 5.30.

see you later, be good xxx

This was taken in Paisley, across the road from mum's house just after Christmas.

Remember the year we got a load of snow? The date on the photie says 28/12/00.

That's my mum, that is before she started any treatment.

I've not seen snow like that since then. 7 frickin years!

HERE is the link to the search engine used in the "Google!!!" Meme ... a few posts down. Just in case you want to do it and you're not quite sure how

Didn't wanna get up this morning. Mini shouting Mu-um, get up

Did an hour's work then plodded off for my appointment. I was so nervous about how the app would begin. Where the hell do you start with summat like that?

It was fine, I like the counsellor; which is the most important thing in my book. Not that I'm writing a book but ... *sigh*

Waffled on and on and ariston for 45 minutes. Not quite sure how I fitted so much into that 45 mins though, I felt a bit sorry for her by the end

Main points :-

* I want to learn to not move into automatic negative gear
* I want to be able to remember good things that have happened more than bad
* I want to be able to be more logical than emotional

This is all do-able. All it takes is knowledge of the necessary steps to abort the beginnings of the dive into blackness that is my default mode. Lengthy way to say - think differently

5 more sessions. Weekly.

Went back to work and answered the phone "Hi, this is Subz from the Jobcentre!"

I don't even work at the Jobcentre

*div*

It's 4.40, my head's bursting and I've been awake since 2.18

Frickin acid reflux ... that's what woke me up, so I'm now in the land of milk n honey ...

n paracetamols (n prolly some antacids when I find them)

Stupid brain. It knows it's tired but it just won't bluddy shut up. Just like a wee kid.

It'll no doubt fall asleep face first in it's cornflakes later.

Or lying on the kitchen floor with a tambourine still in it's hand bwaaahaaaaa

Aw crap, I'll have to post it now, won't I?

Hang on ...

... a bit like that

Right. I'm off to look for things that exhaust brains.

See you this afternoon (ish)

CBT starts tomorrow

Yeah I know ... I've been waiting for this for ages. But even my boss said I might not fancy coming into work afterwards and I've just to see how I feel. She's a trained counsellor.

I've filled out the wee little form they asked to bring with me. It's weird cos a lot of the questions I know I'd have answered very differently a few short months ago.

I told my other boss about my blog today (he's a trained counsellor too) and how ace blogging is for folk for all kinds of reasons. "You should recommend it to yer clients"

My words are who I am ... it's mibbe a brave thing to put yerself up here for rejection or acceptance? It is for me. I nearly buckled from it quite a few times and the ones who ditched their blogs play on my mind. Especially the ones who quit under stress.

Life is difficult enough. Ah feck, I need to stop thinking I can fix things. But I so wish I could.

Right I'm stopping there .

Type in your answer to the questions in Google Images and post any one of the images off the first page. (E.G. - The answer the first question is 40 - for me - so I type in 40 and post any one of those images as my answer)

GOOGLE SEARCH ENGINE HERE

1. How old will you be on your next birthday?

2. A place you'd like to travel to?

3. Your favourite place?

4. Your favourite object?

5. Your favourite food?

6. Your favourite animal?

7. Your favourite colour?

8. The town in which you were born?

9. The town in which you live?

10. The name of a past pet?

11. The name of a past love?

12. Your nickname?

13. Your first name?

14. Your middle name?

15. Your last name?

16. A bad habit of yours?

17. Your first job?

18. Your grandmothers name?

19. The main subject(s) you studied?

20. What do you think about the person you stole/got the meme off?

When I searched for the last word only 3 pictures came up ... 2 from Juzzzy's site and 1 from 'Blogging For Amy'

... but there are some that might.

The pic was a bit too dodgy and (quite rightly) I was asked to delete

sorry TEAM

and sorry, you lot

PostSecret just won the 2007 weblog award for Best Blog.

Thank you for voting.

postsecrets

rrrrraaaaaarrrrrrrrr

*smacking the clock*

Time reeeeally drags when you're waiting for summat

*drumming fingers*

I miss him so much, I could scream

little fixes of text and phonecalls aren't enough, I want the hard stuff

*addiction to A is uploaded*

erm

what?

aw shove off

I'd a panic attack the other day. Well, the wee sneaky dudes that peddle adrenalin tried to give me a panic attack but I saw them off quick-style as soon as I realised what they were up to. Bastards.

I was lying on my bed trying to have a napette at the time.

What the feck? Where's that coming from? ... ah hang on ... *breathes* ... damn, I was holding my breath.

I've not done that for a while. Holding my breath I mean, I don't mean I haven't breathed for a while. Although, just then ... oh FFS shut up, me.

The thing is, since then my system keeps trying to have a P.A. again. It's as if the panic alert thingy has woken up and any opportunity it gets ... it wants to run.

Has someone been messing with my settings???

*presses default button*

In other news, Job's going well. Still lovin' it

Exam tomorrow. First ECDL exam (again)

Oh crap! I forgot to pump my bike tyres up! Ah stuff it - I won't go over any bumps

*fingers crossed*

See you all later

... am I watching a boob extravaganza?

Trinny & Susannah getting their tits oot to be cupped and then they're getting everyone else to do the same!

*pffft*

Not in a million ...

I thought I was a bit of an exhibitionist too

Need a little break again. It's hard living in this over-sensitive paranoid brain. Each time I think I can overcome it, but somehow it wrestles me to the floor and I'm gone again. It's stronger than most things. There's no telling it sometimes. I imagine that I'll lose everything that means something to me, but then that's what the imagination does, doesn't it?

No, my boss doesn't hate me

When I wrote that I wondered if he did I was mulling over a thought ... I've done summat wrong and I'm not sure what it is.

At the time I suspected my being rusty on Word. No, that's not it.

Chewed it over at the weekend and realised it was summat else. A mix-up about work times.

I explained what had happened (my brain process) and we giggled a bit. So there ya go. That's all fine now.

Getting better on the phone. Managed to work out how to work the timer on the new heater that he bought my office. Fixed lampshades in the bathroom and toilet. Called all the folk I had to, wrote some CVs and letters. Bit o' this, bit o' that. Sorted.

I always imagine folk will get fed-up with me being a bit dour. At work I think it's gonna be quite the opposite If anything he'll be driven demented by my eternal cheeriness (now come on ... who'd have predicted that?)

Mibbe I should go to work after my imagination has begun it's battering-all-over-the-feckin-place? That'd sort that one out.

Meh.

BCUK musta read my mail this morning

*snore*

Yesterday was fine, but I managed to pick at it a bit later on ... and that's never good.

Left work and tried to take weighty bag into bank to get £9 worth of coins put into Mini's account. Big queue ... meh. Wandered towards home. Oh yeah - I bought a red PC chair for a £5er earlier. Collected it from charity shop and carried it home. The streets round my dod are one-way, there are cars parked on part of the pavement. Tried to walk on road ... sod's law ... traffic appears from nowhere ... er ... the road. Squeezed onto the pavement and twisted and turned carrying the chair, back of coins and handbag

I've tweaked my back again *typical*

Pal collected me after work and we went into town. Mega thirsty. Lunch immediately, with a loverly latte. Took one of the tops back, that I bought last week, and exchanged it for one which didn't have sleeves that gripped my arms like a red-tailed boa ... 'cept it's green.

Bought a His n Hers calendar for me & Mini I didn't have readies on me, just like royalty, me. So P went to get her purse and discovered she'd left it in the cafe

*bombs it back to other end of mall*

"Are you missing a bag?" ... thank you, nice wee man.

That was close. Remind me I owe P a fiver, will ya?

Came home. Worried. Worried some more. Messed up a chat. Worried some more etc.

* work stuff ... am I learning fast enough? Does the boss hate me? Why is my memory so shit?

* home stuff ... why am I so fuckin self-obsessed? Don't answer that!

Ah well, today's another day. Got a perfect email which healed loads of yesterday stuff and ... now I need to have a bath to untangle my back and stick the TENS machine on.

See you later xxxxx