Subville

Think I've finally found words to define (oh there's that word again) why it's better to keep folk at arm's length.

It's all too difficult.

I'll leave comments open, you'll feel cheated otherwise ...

Time to struggle out of the blame, guilt, hate, judge, twist, worry, flounder.

I frickin hate depression. It spoils all my relationships. Although the one who catches me knows all I am and is still here.

It's a whirlpool! It sucks you in. Not in a nice way.

It's not all I am. It doesn't define me. But it might if I let it.

'koff, depression

---

I've been going through some really old blog posts and they're quite funny. It's amazing how much people change over the years. There's a good reason for not burning

The wee yin goes to his dad's tomorrow and comes back on Sunday, then on Tuesday starts back at school.

I wonder how many other parents are reaching for the Valium towards the end of the (so called) Summer?

Today has been really quite hot here. I've had the fan on directed at my face, when I've been at the lappie.

Still reading A Thousand Splendid Suns ... it is ... splendid.

The boy asked if he could take the ketchup bottle out of the house earlier. Apparently, eating a chippy meal on the garage roof is quite normal when you're 13. I said "Can't you eat like normal people?" He replied "But I always take the ketchup with me!"

Weirdo.

One child staying over again tonight.

Mood: Calm
TV: Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Drink: Earl Grey
Place: In my bedroom
Future: A bottle of Cherry B

P.S. Andy, those speakers are TOP by the way. Really really good x

I can't be bothered any more.

I just added an edit to my last post

EDIT: The gas check guy unplugged my house phone to use his hoover on my gas fire. Left it unplugged when he went. It has wiped all the phone numbers from the address book. *sigh*

Karma?

Well. I had started adding numbers to the upstairs phone cos the downstairs one had died (battery)

I just looked at the phone and ... apparently it somehow managed to have all the numbers on it again!

Direct quote from intelligent person - "Probably needed the phone to register, then pick up the numbers from the base unit or it transferred them from handset 2, so when it was plugged in it did an info sweep and sucked them across."

Why can't I be you?

Feeling sick, and sick and tired.

Of me.

Woke to Mini on xbox (curtains closed, quilt on couch) and N on lappie (creating username for ???)

Bathed.

Gas Safety Check man arrived.

There was nowhere for him to park - one-way street, shopkeepers and shoppers parked all down street.

He looked at me like I should create a space. I couldn't. I snapped at him. He took it on the chin and phoned his boss. He has to pay ticket if he gets ticketed. He stuck a sign on the window to say he was attending a gas leak.

I tripped over the cable linking router to xbox. Bumped the xbox in the process. scratched N's new game (Bad Company).

Mini whined. I cursed and slammed money on the table. He stormed out.

He's gone to get it 'buffed'.

Felt like the shittiest person ever. Apologised to gas dude. Wished I could apologise to small mini dude. Cried.

Today didn't start right.

EDIT: The gas check guy unplugged my house phone to use his hoover on my gas fire. Left it unplugged when he went. It has wiped all the phone numbers from the address book. *sigh*

Karma?

No, you can't sleep in a tent in the garden with 2 friends.

No, you can't have 2 friends to sleep over.

Yes, 1 friend may stay.

They'd vamoosed to the hip-hop shop before my buddy arrived.

This friend and I did not get on at all at first. I discovered recently he has ADHD. He has changed a LOT since I first met him, calmed down a lot. I got to know him a bit better and mutual respect has been established. I think.

Me & P drove into town, window-shopped for a while then settled in a well-known coffee shop. Read our books for a while.

I'm still reading My Favourite Wife and want to slap the main character. He'd bloody better buck his ideas up (m'lad) by the end of the book. *tsk*

Borders were doing that 'buy one get one half price' so we chose a book each and split the cost. I got the better end of the deal. At last ... A Thousand Splendid Suns. But we'll both read both books.

The farmers have been turning the fields, so all over town you can smell a whiff of manure. Y'know what? It's really not bad, in fact *whispers* I quite like it! But then, I worked with horses and in a stable surrounded by cattle so it's no biggie. Just unusual in this town of gowns and suits.

Right, bored now

Hit 'Save!'

LINK (as usual)

The one that's in the charts just now (number one) sounds exactly like Pink.

The Broon has been under threat.

I'm having Methi Chicken in 3 minutes.

I just had Methi Chicken for tea and it was gorgeous

Jay & Silent Bob are on telly tonight.

I've just seen someone on telly using a yorkshire pudding as a boat.

That's all.

Your Passion is Green

For you, sex is always fresh and new. You approach sex with innocence, even if you aren't as innocent as you seem! Gentle and slow, you aren't exactly known for your passion. But what you lack in smooth moves, you make up for in sweet charm.

more the engrish!

1. Are you married or single?

On the cusp of divorcedom

2. Do you have brothers and sisters?

One brother

3. Are they older or younger than you?

He's older

4. Have you ever met a famous person?

No, I saw Eddi Reader running across the road and shouted hello. That doesn't count though does it?

5. What countries have you visited?

Gran Canaria, that's it.

6. What do you do on Sundays?

Same as most other days. In term time I sort the wee yins stuff for the week.

7. What kind of people do you not like?

Loony types who scream at me. Those that get all stroppy when you tell them they hurt you (turn it round to make you feel bad)

8. Who has had the most influence in your life?

My mum

9. Would you like to be famous?

No, I'm crap.

10. How many different towns or cities have you lived in?

Huntingdon, Paisley, Fort William, Cambridge. 4

11. Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunrises but I never seem to be up at that time

12. What was the last book you read?

The Kite Runner

13. What's your favourite food?

Indian

14. Do you live in a house or an apartment/flat or other?

Terraced house.

15. How tall are you?

5ft 8

16. What are your hobbies?

Reading, moaning, interfering in Mini's social life, wallowing in thought, blogging.

17. What's something you do well?

I don't know. Cook Jollof Rice

18. Which sports do you like to watch/play?

I don't 'do' sport, occasionally I watch dressage

19. Are you a 'morning' or 'night' person?

I don't know.

20. What is your motto?

I don't have one but the thing I say most is ...

"Did I do/say something wrong? I'm really really sorry."

Target

Is it ok to cut me cos I've no-one to protect me?
I could hide things and hint so no-one could openly find fault
There's a reason? Oh, is it cos you believe it's wrong?
I love my friend and would never want to hurt them
So I stay passive-aggressive cos there isn't a choice
And I stay a target cos it's easy.
Even for me.

I locked myself out of the house last year. Had quite a funny discussion on here about it, ending in Charlie promising to leave a spare key in Kuala Lumpar for me to collect next time it happens. Andy would collect it for me.

I'm probably getting mixed-up with the details but I do remember how funny it was at the time.

Anyway

Went swimming today

*sound of shocked bloggers falling over*

It's supposed to be good for folk with bad backs. Supposed to help having water supporting you when exercising.

It fucking doesn't. I felt like shit after it.

Walked home like a goddam cripple. Curse that long, straight road.

Got to my street and there were Mini and 2 friends. I've never been so overjoyed to see them. Pain makes you emotional.

Walked towards my front door and suddenly realised ... I used a different bag because it could hold more. My keys are in my other bag *grrr*

*sigh*

S lives up the road and his dad has a ladder. It was comical watching them stagger back with it. 2 wee soldiers, wanting to be big guys and fix stuff.

In the end it was Mini's mini-ness that helped most of all. I still don't know how he managed to fit through the bathroom window and land in the bath head first without hurting himself. All the while with S and I giggling at the view of his contorted body and then just one leg sticking out the upstairs window.

They got a fiver each. They bloody deserved it too.

Boris rocks

He really does make me giggle. The little squints at the camera. The hilarious phrases - "Cripes!". His HAIR! I could ruffle his hair for England

You need to watch this programme (Who Do You Think You Are?) I bet it gets repeated.

All over the frickin place today

Way to clog up the whole damn site, losers.

Y'know, thinking about it ... just how bloody fair is it that I get penalised for buying my gas and electricity up front before I use it? The folk who pay in arrears get their fuel cheaper!

I don't think they can really justify the charges. Who will go against these fascists and speak on our behalf though? They say some of the extra charge goes on paying for the meter rental. Bollocks! It can't justify the ridiculous amount we pay extra for having pre-payment meters.

The phone bill too ... Virgin charge a frickin fortune for getting regular amounts every month. What's that about? And a £5 charge per month for payment handling - get a grip!

I don't have a BT line so it will cost £125 to connect. Apparently it's about £25 per month to get what I'm getting now on Virgin. My Virgin bill this month was £68!

I HATE being over-powered like that.

End of small rant.

---

On an entirely different note ... my calcium levels are fine now, all the other things came back fine too. I've to get my back and hips x-rayed.

I thought the doc would send the hospital a referral letter and they would get in touch some months later with a date. No. Apparently now I phone them to ask for a date and take the letter my doc gave me today for them. Strange. Oh well. We'll see.

Mini is ironing foreign currency in the kitchen. Odd child. Gives a whole new meaning to 'money laundry'

That comedian on Dave channel ....

Had an ok day. 3 pairs of stripy socks for £3 woopeedoo! (various black and white combos)

The sad bit is ... I realised we were nearly going home so made a special expedition to 'buy myself something', even something cheap. Cos it doesn't feel right if I don't bring some little exciting thing home The shop I tried first was Accessorize (yeah, not really me), then Disney Store (no adult stuff), then Dorothy Perkins (bleurgh), then New Look. I actually said to the till serving person ... these are about all that will fit me from here, apart from handbags *doofus*

Mini was in a monster huff when he came back from his pal's. "Can you start dinner now?"

"Wait for a bit, I'm just in."

*mahoosive strop*

"Take yer huff upstairs wi' ye, I'm not listening."

*stomp stomp stomp*

He slept it off.

My docs appointment is tomorrow. Finally. It's about frickin 3 weeks since I got the second lot of bloods taken

Er ... well that's about it ... nothing exciting happening round here.

No-one bugging me today. Yet.

Going out to Starbucks somewhere that sells delicious hot beverages

I may be some time.

Oh ... BTW ... BOL @ the Huggies advert

lalala lalala

Yes I'm here

I was laying in bed this morning, writing a post (in my head)

The other day I had a brief few words with someone. I wanted to delete them so I didn't have to read, usually I just do so ... as is my right ... but I thought naah, I'll tell em I'm going. Mistake.

It became mildly offensive. I can't even be bother explaining, it was nothing - just summat I recognise I don't want to read.

I knew it was the passive aggressive thing. Why? Because I can spot it a frickin mile off because I'm like that!

Anyroads, I grew up with that and learned it and am trying to cut down

I decided that I should do a 'sticky' post outlining all hated things ...

OMG

It became a post full of me barking orders at folk about not being offensive

So I ditched that idea *snigger*

As you probably know by now ... I'm not that keen on folk, by & large. So if you've put up with me so far - frickin well done!

It takes a lot of effort getting to know folk and I'm a lazy cow. And self-obsessed. And argumentative. And .. well you know!

The bonds that happen in here even so are quite extraordinary. A friend that I admire, a few months ago, offered me a retreat kinda business in her house. I was gobsmacked, delighted, embarrassed and many other things. I doubt I'd go cos I never do stuff like that but the offer is very much appreciated. You know what? She wasn't the only person to offer!!!

That floors me about blog. Things build slowly but they really do build.

I guess you learn what sorta blemishes you can understand, bear, accept. You learn your limits.

Thank you x

Just testing summat

LINK

Sunnyness - all shiny and yellow and blue

My boy is back today. Just in time for his pals to be available.

Ex phoned the other day to say the wee yin was bored and had asked to come home. Nothing to do at his house. He has his xbox there and his live account but all friends were elsewhere. Too far from ex's. I said yes, obviously. But they aren't around here either. They were at Air Cadets camp, grounded for a year and on holiday.

One showed up looking for him yesterday so I guess that signals stuff for the boy to do. They just want their mates at this age.

Ex said he'd see how Mini felt when he woke ... see if he still wanted to come back. I didn't hear anything else so he'll be back tonight as planned.

His room is cleared and I've done the shoving stuff in the attic thing but can't lift the other stuff to the charity shop as I'm too achey.

Finished The Kite Runner ... awesome! Life's messiness. We get through it somehow. It justified some of my hurt. I didn't respond too badly then.

Binged on crisps this weekend must stop ... don't think my body enjoys it too much ... why's it so difficult to stop at one packet? Guilt. Disgust. No puking though. I don't do that. Maybe binged is the wrong word? I'm not bulimic. Comfort eating.

*Newsflash* Mini just phoned, he's coming home now.

*off to do stuff*

Watching the thing about Guantanamo

Next to the bath taps, on it's back, swirling amongst the sploshed water.

A dead moth.

The underside of moths always make me think of cows ... I don't know why.

This dead moth/cow morphed into a tiny duckling before my eyes and from that morphed into 3 ducklings, then 3 kittens!

That's it. That's all.

WTF is that all about, eh?

into doing the housework? The drudgery.

Y'know when all that's in front seems to be repetitive crap?

I can do it if I think there's a reward of some sort. But I can't think what that would be (that doesn't involve spending money)

Don't suggest cake. Andy said that, but I can buy that without giving a crap about the housework easy

I guess what I'm saying is - what's the point? lol

Gawd. I still feel like this about cleaning the house. I wish I could afford a cleaner

I've bagged up all the toys. There's a pile in the hall waiting to go to one of the charity shops. There are two black bin bags of stuff to go in the loft. Cars, soldiers and knights. 2 chess sets.

I still have to wade through the art box. *eep* There's so much in there that will have to be kept. Lots of scrappy stuff he did when he was so much younger. At one point I took photos of his school artwork so that we'd be able to peek at it and go all nostalgiamicated.

blahblahblah that's enough of that

A friend of mine has gone. It took me a while to suss who it was but I know now (none of you know her).

I hope it's for good reasons, I hope everything is resolved. I know everything got a bit mad here. For my part ... sorry.

You're doing mega well xxxx

It was you, wasn't it?

It wasn't my dad's writing or my step-mum's and the postmark is the same.

Thank you very much. It was most kind of you

xxxxx

Well I know there's that stalker. But maybe there's someone else ... a normal person ... who comes from there lol

Whoever it is, they seem to be quite taken with my blog

*sigh*

I wish it was a normal person

The wee yin had set aside all the stuff from his room he was happy to ditch.

It was strange sorting through it all. He's decided that almost all of it has to go. He's growing up.

Part of me rejoices at the thought of all the bitty things being passed on, far from my carpets. But the other part thinks he's gonna regret this.

I sorted through little plastic soldiers (a full placcy bag), a pile of board games, many matchbox-type cars (a full placcy bag), a box of bricks (that he throws at wee pals who sleep over to wake them up) and a massive amount of bits and bobs (not Bobs ... no I don't mean they belong to ... ah feck!)

Some charity-shop bargain hunters are gonna be over the moon.

I'm a wee bit loathe to part with the set of knights and horses I got him a few years ago. They're perfect - look like brand new. They cost a fortune, had to be bought separately not part of a set.

Don't suggest Ebay. I'm not an Ebay kinda girl

In fact ... don't suggest anything

Edit

I don't keep his toys in placcy bags BTW

Hmmm. Wish I could stop feeling so offended by things. Stupid little things.

Just in general. Nothing specific. Having a 'thinkiness' occasion

Maybe it's when you start putting up boundaries, you go too far the other way and block everything? Even the good stuff.

Anyway ... The Human Menagerie just showed up - woohoo!

Thank you play.com

I'm in so much debt now it's scary

Ah fukkit!

Crazy Raver's playing

There you go ... newly working heating system

It's been a lonely day at shambles cottage.

I phoned the ex earlier to find out where the stopcock is (shuttit!) he told me but I still couldn't find it.

Anyway, he phoned me back and waffled this n that. I ended up asking him to take me out for a meal with Mini lol

"Why?"

"Cos I'm bored!"

He said Mini wanted to come home for something anyway. A game or summat?

My wee lamb misses me. He's so not gangsta

I was reading in my new book ...

A character said that there was only one sin ... theft.

Adultery is theft

Lying is theft

Murder is theft

etc.

What do you think?

... in Deirdre's neck scare me.

Got summat for my dad's birthday. Stripy tee shirt. A bit dull but I never know what to get. I wanted to get him a Zen Stone (MP3) but they only had the display one left

Scissors in handbag. Sellotape bought. Wrapping paper bought. Plonked myself in Starbucks.

Incredibly skint. Trying to work out how much I need to earn to be government-help free.

*just remembered school dinners*

*toddles off*

No attention here either ...

*storms off*

*slams door*

nu night

Fruit Sherbet sweets!

Smirnoff Ice tastes like fruit sherbet sweets.

Not to be confused with the non-existent fruit sherbert sweets

In other news, I now fancy Will Smith.

*grabbin those ears*

P.S. .....

My little fingers (pinkies) are a funny shape.

No, not like triangles or bikes or anything.

They bend funny at the end joint.

They've always been like that.

You're checking out your pinkies now too, aren't you?

I've discovered that using the lappie is making them hurt a lot, pressure on the joints.

*exhales smoke*

Naah, I don't do that ya numpty

Bandy fingers instead of legs.

Ricket fingers?

Hmm.

Falling to bits

Trying to re-think the house. Where everything goes.

It's not helpful for either of us to have the Xbox in the living room, blocking the telly, blocking the whole room when the minions arrive.

I peeled the scooby doo stickers off his wall - lots of patches where the paint's disappeared now

Gonna wash the walls later and see what I can do to make-do till I have the ability to decorate.

Moved lots of daft stuff that he's grown out of. Might find room to put a telly in there when I can get one. His dad might be able to sort that. His room is so small though.

I had considered swapping bedrooms with him but my KS bed won't fit in his room.

The other possibility is making the PC room his bedroom. It has a white(ish) carpet though I could throw a large rug over it.

Hmm. Where to put the enormous amount of gear? Books, PC stuff, filing cabinet, etc. At least there's freeview access in that room. That doesn't really matter though. He watches the same stuff I like.

Oh.

Apart from Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. I don't want to watch that again

Aw crap ... can't do that ... the window is a bit unsuitable for him and his pesky mates. Bad enough in his present room ... they were tying rope to things in his room (mostly teddies) and dangling them towards the kitchen - trying to startle me. I don't startle all that easily though. And my voice can be loud when riled.

*busy head*

In other news, I got the letter from the docs today. Make an appointment. How long since I got those taken? 2 weeks? Bizarre.

Also have court hearing date for divorce. 15th Sept. I think it's the decree nisi bit. 2 weeks after that we'll be divorced. Just before our 14th anniversary then.

It's taken a year since I first approached someone to 'help' me with it lol.

P.S. What fool phoned me at 7am only to hang up when I answered? Number with-held. MW?

The boy is going to his dad's for a week tomorrow. I sat up last night till 3am looking for camp sites for a cheapo holiday. Couldn't afford anything and panicked when I saw the time cos I was due to go out with P in the morning.

The boy has had a friend over to stay almost every night that he's been at home. They don't stay for tea, they either arrive after tea or go to the chippy. It still exhausts me. They create extra mess and I can't get him to do chores when one of them is here. I feel like a house-maid. It's been wet so they've nothing much to do except play Xbox.

I can't wait for tomorrow

Watch TV when I want without someone grumbling. Clean the house and it stays clean. Fix the PC (I hope) with no butting in, no demands. Read my books till any old time

Went out with P this morning. Haven't had any pain killers for about a week. Well, paracetamol, but that's it. If I move my hips in a certain way it feels like I'm gonna break one. Weird. Moved very carefully round town.

No, I haven't phoned the doctor yet. They didn't send any letter about the bloods so I *slump*'d and thought 'fuckit'. No answers again. They don't put Tramadol on repeat prescription and I get a bit fed-up with going to the docs for this, that and the next thing.

Went to Tattie's for a ... tattie. They put far too much strong cheddar on it. I wasn't in the mood for so much dairy. Just the coleslaw woulda been fine. *makes a note*

P knew that I was looking for a new paraphernalia (I'm sure it isn't spelt like that but my spellcheck says it is) bag, for my baccy. She got me a daft one with weirdo characters on it, some peppermint lip balm and a funny postcard. I didn't get her anything. I'm not mean, I just never think of doing that. Not with pals. I used to, mind.

Bought a couple of books as the birthday ones went by so quickly.

*pre-book excitement*

The Kite Runner and My Favourite Wife

I'm gonna eat so many veggies next week woohoo!

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaha!

I wish you could hear the Radio 2 debate right now. Wish I'd recorded it to post here.

They're talking about the Queen and whether we should curtsey etc.

A woman came on chatting for the 'pro' side, another woman for 'con'.

The first woman happened to be English and the second, American.

I honestly couldn't do it justice to describe it here but if you go to the website and listen again ... it's exceedingly funny.

BTW I agree with the second woman just in case you got me wrong

... death, when I was 15. I was a passenger in a car, driven by an under-age driver who had no permission to drive his mother's car.

It was after the pub (!) - he dropped our friends off at their homes and I stayed in till last cos I didn't want to go home.

It was raining. We were vaguely racing around when we sped round a corner at 70 MPH, rolled three times and smacked into a wall.

A police officer watched from the pavement.

They cut the roof off as it was half ripped already. I was white, unconscious, blood on my denim that wasn't mine. They thought I was dead.

A few days later I became aware of my surroundings. This is when I met my dad properly. It was visiting time. My ward mate had a BF with a beard. She asked me for a fag (we usually went into the loo for a smoke), just then a beardy bloke came in.

"Can you pass this over?" I said.

*puzzled*

"Sure," says beardy bloke, "You don't recognise me, do you?"

"No"

"I'm yer dad"

*my friends shuffle out*

I lost a stone and a half that week.

---

When Mini was 5ish, we would visit some friends of ours who lived on a narrowboat. My ex took him to visit them one day without me. He was more sociable than me.

Mini jumped on and off, on and off, on and off the boat. Repeatedly ignoring warnings and admonishments. I now think he should have had a life jacket on but they didn't own any small ones then.

Typically he fell into the water. Between the narrowboat and the edge of the Cam. Below water level. Deep, dark, dangerous.

Fortunately he didn't hit his head on the boat or the riverbank.

My ex can't swim.

Fortunately he stuck his hand into the water fast enough to get him before he went down too far.

*phew*

OK

So this one fell flat eventually too. But it was down to circumstances outside my control ~ therefore I can't sit here flagellating myself about this one.

It wasn't because I couldn't do the work.

It wasn't because of my depression or back pain.

It wasn't because of my inability to cope.

It wasn't because of social politics or folk hating me.

It wasn't because I had to leave through paranoia or worry.

---

It lasted 6ish months and was going well.

---

The ECDL is still do-able when the PC is back to normal.

It will get back to normal and then I'll breeze through the rest of the exams (again)

I WILL NOT slip into black again. I WILL NOT allow myself to feel that everything else is fucking up just because one thing has.

I CAN work it out eventually ~ it just takes me a little while and I need a clear space in my head to do that. It's like self-CBT.

Thanks for reading even when it's been so utterly negative. I can't promise it won't be that way again. But I'll try. And keep trying.

Because I'm a stubborn cow and I won't let this win.

The curtains are open even if I am still in bed

xx

LINK

I'm drinking a wine spritzer called Sabai ... it has pomegranate juice in it and it's absolutely frickin gorgeous.

Dammit though ... looking on the www just now ... it's made by Red Bull!

I hate the thought of Red Bull. If I had my way it would have an age limit on it.

Mass caffeine content is so damn dangerous for kids and I've seen Mini's friend buy them 8 at a time *sob*

Mini is banned from buying them, and those disgusting Relentless drinks. I went for a cuppa with P and her friend's son. He spilled some of that drink on the table in the caff and it stained the formica stuff blue (I think it was blue, it was a while back)

So. I was dead chuffed that I found summat so scrummy but I'm gonna have to rethink.

Bloody www

Lying in bed, curtains closed. Hearing summery sounds, drills in the road, cement mixers doing their thing, people cutting grass, the boys downstairs coming in and out of the house.

Back pain again. Lack of job hunting and the effects of beginning to get moving then it all failing again so soon. Thinking too much about what you all think of me, what I need to stop doing, what I need to start doing.

The doctor stuff ... obviously no bad results from blood returns so what to do now? No painkillers left, can I really be bothered asking for more? Sensing that I need CBT again but sick of going through their Krypton Factor to get it.

Knowing that my perception is skewed and being too tired to fight it, to control it, to harness the absolute bloody nuisance that is my brain.

Knowing that my son has kept me alive, the only thing, all these years. Remembering that scripture about being saved through childbirth.

Remembering Gran's thoughts on dirty windows ... close the curtains. It's so much easier. For a while.

XKCD, always a pleasure

GOOD GRIEF

It took 3 roll-ups to realise the papers were packed the wrong way round. I'd been trying to stick the non-sticky side. The sticky side wasn't much better.

Each unravelled as I smoked. Bloody pound shop.

My sleep pattern has buggered up. Not going to bed till sometime after 2am and waking at noon. Must stop that soon.

I've been working through some painful memories these last few days. For years I point blank refused to go with the stereotypical 'Daddy-left-me' syndrome. i suppose you have to stop running from it some day.